So, approximately 7.5 years ago, after partaking in much Jim Bean and Xanax, I grabbed my .357 Magnum and jumped in my Cadillac with the intent of showing a few “friends” the TRUE meaning of gangster. Well, what a ssssstupid idea that turned out to be.
What can I say, I was a young man struggling to find himself in a world where very little comes easy, but where human beings are notorious for wanting things for free. And by things I don’t just mean cash register money and cartons of Marlboros taken from extremely frightened convenience store clerks; I’m referring more to the personal attributes in which we attach our individual self worth to in our pursuits of becoming more valuable creatures. For instance, it takes hell a time and effort to earn a college degree in chemical engineering, but becoming a manufacturer of methamphetamine takes little more than a few boxes of cold pills, someone with enough balls to tap into a highly pressurized anhydrous ammonia tank, and a couple words of wisdom from some toothless veteran of this very dark art. Both of these scenarios can leave an individual feeling like they are significant pieces of some complex social puzzle, yet the former requires so much more in terms of personal dedication and commitment.
Back in 2010, I was just like the meth cook who invests his personal value in easy endeavors and who relies upon mental gymnastics to convince himself that he is worthy of the gift of life because of them. Since then, much has changed, and my personal accomplishments are beyond the scope of this profile. However, now I am faced with a whole new dilemma: I no longer have anything in common with the vast majority of ignorant beings who I am forced to reside amongst, and not having anyone to talk to is starting to drive me crazy.
And this is where you come into the picture. Yes YOU, the beautiful college-educated brunette sporting double D’s who has apparently lost her mind and decided to go looking for her soul mate on an inmate pen pal service website instead of the much more favorable Match.com or E-Harmony, both of which are filled with very handsome doctors and lawyers who still retain their rights to vote.
Yeah, I’m a big fan of using sarcasm to make a point. I need an intelligent person to talk to and to share my feelings with, and yes, I would prefer it to be a women whose physical appearance is up to par with my own, but I am very well acquainted with reality and the limitations my current situation imposes on me and anyone who decides they want to become a part of my very interesting, yet complicated life. Therefore, I will settle for all beautiful college-educated brunettes sporting SLIGHTLY smaller than double D’s …… or pretty much anyone else for that matter.
Currently, I have around seven years left to do, but that is more than likely going to change here pretty soon, as I am on appeal. Best case scenario, I could be up for immediate release any day, but there is a chance that I will have to do the rest of my original sentence. We’ll just have to see. In the mean time, as long as you’re not an idiot, and you want to be a part of my life, then you better get to writing me before the Supreme Court lets me go and you truck off your one shot at getting to know one very interesting human being.